Two-For-One Special!


It’s no secret that America has an obesity problem.  It is, quite literally, tough to hide.  It’s the several elephants in every room, if you will.  Likewise, America has been suckling on the teat of the oil and coal industry for far too long, and, those of you acquainted with suckling know that too much suckling sucks.  There have been many plans to remedy each of these issues, but what I have now is a plan to remedy both of them at once.  As the old adage goes:  Two birds with one stone.  As the older adage goes:  Two dinosaur-descendants with one asteroid-descendant.  And as the oldest adage goes:  All dinosaurs with one asteroid.  We’ll stick with the two-for-one, though!

So, what is the solution, you say?  It’s simple, really.  One hour, daily, every American must get on a stationary bike or elliptical and pedal or stride, respectively.  The trick here is that each device is hooked up to some central generator that is charged with the energy created by the national workout.  The slogan writes itself:  “Clean energy provided by dirty people!”

This innovative resolution of solving two problems at once could be precedential.  We could solve all our problems two at a time.  We could address adult and, let’s be honest here, some child literacy issues AS WELL AS assault weapon dangers by sending ten or more oval periodicals to anyone purchasing more than ten-round magazines.  Bonus:  We would also teach people the wit and humor found in nuanced wordplay.  We could solve the debt crisis AND the cushy nature of prison by putting our prisoners to work for dirt-cheap wages.  Combat China’s cheap child labor with our own cheap child-molester labor!  Actually, this idea is so good it’s already happening!

Well, I trust you get the point.  I urge you all to begin approaching your problems from the two-for-one mindset.  Have fun!

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4 thoughts on “Two-For-One Special!

  1. Anonymous says:

    Sweet, a two for one sale! I’m buying. Is that you on the bike? Kind of looks like you…no, not the bald guy. Like the prison labor link.

  2. Crw says:

    Suckling on the oil and coal industry to long? Isn’t there supposedly more oil in the US now than there ever was in the Middle East, along with immense natural gas reserves and coal. So perhaps we should suckle on those industries as long as they last and use money generated to come up with a more legitimate solution. Rather than trying to force people into to doing slave labour.

    • RCbunny says:

      First off, we rarely drill on our own soil because it destroys wildlife. Secondly, why continue to exhaust a finite resource until it is nonexistent rather than seeking a solution now? Also, you’re spelling labor wrong…and identifying satire/sarcasm wrong.

  3. Anonymous says:

    YES! Small clean-energy generators in every gym in America can feed the larger, national-grid generator. Sadly this only tackles one of the two problems mentioned above … but, happily, it will address the issue of cost: all required infrastructure can be paid for out of gym membership fees.

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