What’s Missing from the Holidays


The western tradition of holiday celebrating offers two truisms:  There will be a premium put on humility and giving yet, inexplicably and unarguably, indulgence and avarice will reign, and there will be chocolate.  All the highfalutin hoopla about giving and graciousness is of little consequence to me; I want me a Monster Truck RC Car with enough rubber on its tires to save Africa from AIDS and Asia from overpopulation.  Basically, I could care less why we celebrate, I am just here for the goodies.  The chocolate, however, being both a staple of the holidays and a staple of overindulgence, is important to me. Let’s do a brief recap of the holidays:

Christmas:  Hot chocolate, stocking-stuffer chocolate.

Hanukkah:  Ya don’t need to leaven chocolate, do you?

Valentine’s Day:  How many couples are as consistent as chocolate, showing up February 14th after February 14th?

Easter:  Reester Bunnies,anyone?

July 4th:  No chocolate directly corresponds, but you get to blow stuff up.  This one gets a pass.

Halloween:  You go around house-to-house basically stealing chocolate from your neighbors.

Thanksgiving:  Uhhhh…so we come to Thanksgiving and its dearth of chocolate.  Don’t worry, for I have a solution.  It’s called the Turchoclan.

What is it?  It’s kind of like the Turducken, only instead of a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey it is white chocolate within dark chocolate within milk chocolate.  Imagine that, folks!  To go with every Thanksgiving feast, a 3 lb chocolate behemoth known as the Turchoclan.  Trust me, the patent is pending.

And for those with smaller appetites, how about the Turchoclan Egg?  Same thing, except it has a thin veneer of white chocolate as the shell, a thick layer of milk chocolate as the white, and a dark chocolate yolk.  But wait, there’s more!  You can’t really have a turkey without giblets, so how about Turchoclan: the Bone and Giblet edition.  There could be a thick but hollow shell of milk chocolate and, when you shake it, something rattles.  What is it, you ask?  Why it’s milk chocolate bones and dark chocolate giblets!  Imagine the thrill on the faces of young whippersnappers when they crack open their favorite Turchoclan product.

Chocolate industry:  Make it happen and pay me royalties.

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