*I’m gonna get so trashed tonight that when I pass out on the streets I’ll be fined for littering.
Now, I don’t drink. If I go to a party and someone offers me a drink, I politely refuse. It is at this point that something happens. I call it the obligatory I-don’t-mean-this-but-say-it-because-I-feel-awkward platitude:
Bro: “Man, I haven’t seen you in a minute!”
(inaccurate handshake pause…damnit, I always clench too quickly)
Me: “Yeah, dude, for me it seems like two minutes. Am I right?”
Bro: “Shit man, you’re funny shit! I’ve been pre-gaming since 5 and I just drank a fifth of vodka.”
Me: “Dare you to drive!”
Bro: “Em, I like it. Anyway, you wanna drink? I got some Bud in the fridge?”
Me: “Naw, thanks though.”
Bro: “C’mon, man.”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t really drink.”
Bro: “For real? Shit…
(mulls over the intense meaning of what was just said, and subsequently feels awkward)
Bro: “…I mean, that’s awesome though. I respect that.”
Additions may include: “I wish I could do that,” “I used to be like that, but blah blah blah…” and, my personal favorite that has only happened once, “You’re a fuckin inspiration, man.” Let me break down why those awkward-induced banalities irk me:
I wish I could do that: No, you don’t. Unless you are an alcoholic, you could.
I used to be like that…: No, you didn’t. Sir, you presume to know a lot about my reasoning simply by my refusal; just because I don’t drink and, until you were 16, you didn’t drink does not mean that you were like me. I understand that empathy is your attempt at overcoming the awkwardness, but it comes off as condescending. I understand that my annoyance at your condescension is equally condescending; feel free to write me back about it.
You’re a fuckin inspiration, man: Why, thank you for noticing. Normally, I would let this one slide because it happens to be factual. Actually, I will let this one slide.
*Even though I don’t drink, I love to vaunt about how drunk I will get any given night. This is a favorite of mine.