How Drunk?

*I’m gonna get so trashed tonight that when I pass out on the streets I’ll be fined for littering.

Now, I don’t drink.  If I go to a party and someone offers me a drink, I politely refuse.  It is at this point that something happens.  I call it the obligatory I-don’t-mean-this-but-say-it-because-I-feel-awkward platitude:

Bro: “Man, I haven’t seen you in a minute!”

(inaccurate handshake pause…damnit, I always clench too quickly)

Me: “Yeah, dude, for me it seems like two minutes.  Am I right?”

Bro: “Shit man, you’re funny shit!  I’ve been pre-gaming since 5 and I just drank a fifth of vodka.”

Me: “Dare you to drive!”

Bro: “Em, I like it.  Anyway, you wanna drink?  I got some Bud in the fridge?”

Me: “Naw, thanks though.”

Bro: “C’mon, man.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t really drink.”

Bro: “For real? Shit…

(mulls over the intense meaning of what was just said, and subsequently feels awkward)

Bro: “…I mean, that’s awesome though.  I respect that.”

Additions may include: “I wish I could do that,” “I used to be like that, but blah blah blah…” and, my personal favorite that has only happened once, “You’re a fuckin inspiration, man.”  Let me break down why those awkward-induced banalities irk me:

I wish I could do that: No, you don’t.  Unless you are an alcoholic, you could.

I used to be like that…: No, you didn’t.  Sir, you presume to know a lot about my reasoning simply by my refusal; just because I don’t drink  and, until you were 16, you didn’t drink does not mean that you were like me.  I understand that empathy is your attempt at overcoming the awkwardness, but it comes off as condescending.  I understand that my annoyance at your condescension is equally condescending; feel free to write me back about it.

You’re a fuckin inspiration, man: Why, thank you for noticing.  Normally, I would let this one slide because it happens to be factual.  Actually, I will let this one slide.

*Even though I don’t drink, I love to vaunt about how drunk I will get any given night.  This is a favorite of mine.

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2 thoughts on “How Drunk?

  1. Jim Brady says:

    I’m trying to figure out which spice girl I want to impregnate

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