Do your thrift-store jeans keep getting caught in the chain of your three-grand fixie? Do you have yourself a flock of pals cycling behind you in a Deep-V formation? Are you embarrassed to use your leg as a kickstand while waiting at traffic lights? Do you forgo brakes because you feel they adversely affect the integrity of your machine? It’s true, you may be part of a Hipster Bicycle Gang.
Hipster Bicycle Gangs consist of 3-5 members. Any less and it could be coincidence; any more and it could be mainstream (that’s a no-no). These gangs frequent dive bars, poetry readings, vegan joints, Urban Outfitters, and the entire right lane of many city streets.
If you want to join a Hipster Bicycle Gang I advise you to buy a ludicrously priced fixed-gear bike. Next, you need a shirt so biodegradable that if you lie down in a park–as hipsters oft do–your shirt will decompose right off your back. Lastly, you need to practice aloofness. To do this, simply stand on top of a mirror and look down at yourself until you feel looked down upon. Remember: This is how you must make others feel when you look at them. If you follow these steps, I think you’re ready. Just cycle behind some already cycling hipsters and hope they don’t notice you, but, if they do, do not under any circumstances notice them.