Hipster Bicycle Gangs


You may be coasting through life, but you sure as hell aren't coasting on your bike. Courtesy of Flickr member senor miller.

Do your thrift-store jeans keep getting caught in the chain of your three-grand fixie?  Do you have yourself a flock of pals cycling behind you in a Deep-V formation?  Are you embarrassed to use your leg as a kickstand while waiting at traffic lights?  Do you forgo brakes because you feel they adversely affect the integrity of your machine?  It’s true, you may be part of a Hipster Bicycle Gang.

Hipster Bicycle Gangs consist of 3-5 members.  Any less and it could be coincidence; any more and it could be mainstream (that’s a no-no).  These gangs frequent dive bars, poetry readings, vegan joints, Urban Outfitters, and the entire right lane of many city streets.

If you want to join a Hipster Bicycle Gang I advise you to buy a ludicrously priced fixed-gear bike.  Next, you need a shirt so biodegradable that if you lie down in a park–as hipsters oft do–your shirt will decompose right off your back.  Lastly, you need to practice aloofness.  To do this, simply stand on top of a mirror and look down at yourself until you feel looked down upon.  Remember:  This is how you must make others feel when you look at them.  If you follow these steps, I think you’re ready.  Just cycle behind some already cycling hipsters and hope they don’t notice you, but, if they do, do not under any circumstances notice them.

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2 thoughts on “Hipster Bicycle Gangs

  1. Floyd Landis says:

    It’s only after years of gang bangin with these hipsters can one graduate to regular spokes in the front of the bike and 3 pronged spokes in the back. Special consideration should be taken for the hipsters who carry their front tire around with them. Let it also be noted that backpacks are forbidden. Messenger bags with nothing in them only please. For more information on how to become a member of this gang please visit their website at http://tinyurl.com/3rnpy8c Oh and by the way….you’ve gotta be super skinny to join.

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