- The Force: Expected? Of course. Necessary? I find it insulting that you would ask. The Force would be an awesome addition to any galaxy because it offers superpowers to certain individuals while disallowing them to others. No more subjective arguments with agree-to-disagree shenanigans; I am better than you and I have the Midichlorian count to prove it. Also, I have a lightsaber. Nature haphazardly selected me as an infant to be intrinsically better than you. Tend to your wisecracks, befriend a human Woolly Bear, and cross your fingers that you’re handsome as Han when you grow up and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get my sloppy-seconds…err…my sister. Don’t look at me that way, incest doesn’t bother me, bro. Also, to further humiliate the dimwits out there, I can make stupid people say and do whatever I want. I am like a walking IQ test; if my mind trick works on you, it means you are an idiot, conclusively. Yes, the Force is something we need.
- The Sorting Hat: We need a magical device to tell 6th graders they are and will be either brave, immoral, intelligent, or jolly. It would be like one of those career tests you take to find out what you should be when you grow up. If you are a Slytherin, maybe you’ll be a snake wrangler? If you are a Gryffindor, maybe you’ll play for Atlanta? If you are a Ravenclaw, maybe you’ll stop reading this blog? If you are a Hufflepuff, well, I’m sorry. Regardless, we need a sorting hat to let us know who we are and who other people are. We also need a sorting hat to decide who is attractive and who is not. Apologies to Daniel Craig, Lady Gaga (yes, this is really her before she was famous, on MTV’s Boiling Point), Marge Simpson, Boyz II Men, and orange people, but you are not attractive. A sorting hat would cut the confusion.
- Angelina Jolie’s Lips: Oh, she claims they are real?
- Angelina Jolie to tell the truth: If those lips are really real, then I need to see photographic proof. Show me a pic of young Angelina. Oh, wait, found one! Jynx, you owe me a laugh!
- A fourth season to Arrested Development: Either this or an Arrested Development movie. I know they say it is in the works, but I won’t believe it until I see it. I need more this.