Kobe Highlights: The Rape Allegation Edition

At the very least, he's guilty of murdering fasion, right? This is unforgivable...

Now, I love me some Kobe Bryant.  He is majestic on the court with savvy moves and beautiful footwork.  Off the court, he is mature and intelligent, some might say refined.  I’ll admit, this wasn’t always the case.  Enter the Kobe-fro era Kobe.  A young, precocious bundle of unreal talent and dedication coupled with a narcissistic immaturity that still affects his popularity today.  Enter the rape allegations.  I honestly believe that he did not rape her, but that won’t stop me from recounting to you some of the highlights of his transcribed police interview (it’s 57 pages, if you have the time).

From page 12:

Detective Loya:  So is there any reason why any of your pubic hair…?

Kobe:  Well, I’m gonna tell you fellas…

The thing about reading the transcript of a police interview is that inflection, tone, innuendo, and pretty much all non-verbal communication is kaput.  This allows for a lot of what I like to call reader characterization.  I love to imagine Kobe’s tone in this particular interaction as excited with a dash of irritation.  As if to say:  “Why did you interrupt me, I was just getting to the good part…where I was going to tell you about the pubic hair.  Gee willikers, you ruined the surprise.”

From page 13:

Kobe:  …she gets up and gives me a kiss, so I kiss her back and then, you know, I started caressing her or whatever, and then she puts her hand on my, you know, my thing or whatever, and it kinda goes from there.

There are a few gems in this one.  So Kobe, you started caressing her or whatever?  Let me get this straight:  You get sneak-a-kissed, you counter attack with a kiss of your own, and then you caress her?  It sounds so romantic, right?  Then, all of sudden, her response to your gentle caress is to brutishly put hands on, you know, your thing or whatever*.  Indeed, romance is dead…

*Note:  It is called a penis.  She put her hand on your penis, Kobe.

And now, a picture-story loosely based on the above:

At first, Kobe is all: Awww, hell naw. I got a wife and shit...

...and then he's like, what the hell? Hows abouts I put my whatever somewhere?


From page 14:

Detective Winters:  Did you finish?

Kobe:  No.

Detective Loya:  Well, there’s always pre-ejaculation.  Are you aware of that?

Kobe:  Are you kidding me?

Detective Winters:  Well….

Detective Loya:  I’m not kidding you.  They teach you that in 7th grade sex-ed.

Are you kidding me?  Surely you both must be kidding me?  Kobe, you have never heard of pre-ejaculate?  Maybe if that’s something you learn in college, I would understand, seeing as you forwent college, but, as Detective Loya callously pointed out:  You learn that shit in 7th grade!  And Detective Loya, are you kidding me?  You just dropped a truth-bomb on the man and he is obviously shell-shocked.  Why, in the name of all things etiquette, would you further humiliate him by basically equating his intelligence with that of a 6th grader, at best?  And poor Detective Winters!  Here he is trying to tactfully maneuver around Kobe’s idiocy, but redirection takes time, and in that time his own partner bludgeons poor Kobe over the head with the very thing he’s hoping to avoid.

From pages 18 and 19:

Kobe (on his “finishing move”):  That’s my thing, not always, so I stopped.  Jesus Christ, man.

Actually, this part is R-rated.  Only those 18 and older can click on the next link; I don’t want the lil tots throwing a hissy fit.  Trust me, though:  You will never ever look at Kobe without thinking about this.  Why are you still reading?  Have you clicked the link?  Click it.  Click it!  The suspense ought to be killing you.  This may just be the funniest, most awkward part of the blog and I can’t even repeat it because it is too crass.  It is up to you to find out the truth.

From page 21:

Detective Loya:  So you didn’t use any kind of protection?

Kobe:  Didn’t have any.  I know you guys are looking at me sketchy…

And I don’t blame ’em, Kobe.  You caressed, then made sweet doggystyle-love to a random hotel employee, yet you didn’t use any protection.  I’m ashamed.  The Pope, however, is conflicted:  On one hand you didn’t use sinful birth control, but, on the other hand, you committed adultery.  I think he’ll take your time in Italy into consideration and give you a pass.

From page 33:

Detective Winters:  What I think is you got caught up in the moment, Mr. Bryant….it was consensual up to the point of the hugging and kissing issue.  I agree, completely consensual.  What I am skeptical on is that I don’t know how consensual the sexual intercourse was…I’m not sure if we’re getting all the facts presented to us, as far as what exactly happened.  See…I look at it this way:  She’s an attractive young lady…

Kobe (interrupting):  She wasn’t that attractive.

Detective Winters:  Well, she’s okay, okay?

Oh.  My.  God.  If that isn’t one of the funniest interruptions that could possibly take place in a rape allegation by the alleged perpetrator, I don’t know what is.  How can he not be innocent if he has the audacity to interrupt Detective Winters in the middle of the man’s harangue to point out that the girl wasn’t that attractive.  What’s even more, Detective Winters isn’t even phased!  He might as well have said:  “True, true.  Now that I think about it, I guess she isn’t that attractive.  But she’s decent, not malformed, pretty average.  Right?”  Oh, Detective Winters, way to throw her under the bus.

From page 34:

Kobe:  I didn’t finish the f****** thing.

Detective Winters:  And I know it stopped at a certain point, okay?

Detective Loya:  By no means do we think that you’re…

Kobe (interrupting again):  Matter of fact.

Detective Winters:  Go ahead.

Kobe:  I jerked off when she left.

Oh, there’s the money shot!  Imagine, as I oft do, Kobe’s interruption laced with smugness–like he was proud of what he was about to say:  “Oh, you think I finished?  You think I finished, do ya?  As a matter of fact, dumb asses, I launched my load into a tissue.  In fact (picking up the hotel trashcan and pulling out a tissue) here are the goods right here!”

So there you have it.  Kobe Bean Bryant, Uncut and Uncensored.

According to my sources, this is how Kobe reacted to the accuser taking the stand.

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