If I were a Vampire…


If I were a Vampire, I would be clever about my limitations, that’s for damned sure.  First off, I would cut my heart out, stuff it in a metal capsule, and shoot it into space–and don’t give me some bullshit skepticism about my capacity to access NASA, I’m an undead freight train for Christ’s sake; I’ll find a way.  And why space, you ask?  Because there are no trees, wood, splinters, sawdust, or wood-based products in space.  Moreover, since fire is basically the bane of my existence, I would certainly buy a flame-retardant cape.

Secondly, I would move my ass out of America.  This is for a few reasons:  1.)  Americans are camera-whores who tote cameras with them wherever they go; eventually someone would capture me doing something otherworldly, suspicious, or grossly illegal  2.)  America has zoning laws that might get in the way of constructing my obligatory kick-ass castle.

Would I ever sire another vampire?  Hell no.  I would be a demigod, the Übermensch among men, why would I invite another to be my equal and potential undoing?  If I get lonely, there are sundry walking Happy Meals out there to allay my lonesomeness.  Another thing:  I would never tell anyone about my condition.  My awesomeness comes with some well-known hiccups.  Risking eternity simply to reveal an admittedly magnificent secret is unwise.  Instead, since my utter lack of humility would not allow me to remain an uncredited bad-ass, I would frequent little children’s dwellings or old people homes.  Why?  Because I would reverse-defenestrate through the window and demonstrate some of my hocus-pocus abilities.  Then, for the little kids, I would reveal that I am a superhero, to which they would Oooo and Ahhh.  And, to the old folks, I would solemnly reveal that I am the Angel of Death come to take their soul to Satan, to which they would also Oooo and Ahhh at a starkly different decibel-level.  Either way, I would get my kicks and my confidence without threatening my vulnerabilities.

As is customary, somewhere along my eternal journey I will obtain nemeses.  When this occurs, I will not forgo technology as my silver-screen counterparts are liable to do:  I will buy an Uzi, spray in the general direction of my enemy, and go on my merry way.  Side-note:  If I were ever to wrestle with an especially vexing enemy, instead of ending his life swiftly I would break my no-siring rule, drop his ass in a vat of liquid metal, watch it envelop his now eternal ass, and wait until it dried into an unbreakable prison.  I wonder what he would think about in there?  Side-note to this side-note:  Overly complex plans, like the aforementioned, is the very reason why villains are felled in the end.  Perhaps I would reconsider my sinister plot and just kill the dude quickly…

Other things I would try:  In spite of my refusal to spawn another like me, I would hazard spawning another unlike me.  AKA, I would vampirize a kitteh!  People tire of humans because humans are petty, entitled things.  Cats, not so much. I have never heard of someone growing bored of their animal companion.  It just doesn’t happen.  However, trying to instill in a cat the necessary trepidation it must feel towards sunlight might prove difficult and potentially devastating.  Eww…toasty kitteh.

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4 thoughts on “If I were a Vampire…

  1. Broken English says:

    This blog is hilarious…why don’t more people read it?

  2. kat says:

    Wait . . . if you cut your heart out, wouldn’t that make you for-real-really-real dead? I would invest in some sort of metal chest plate, ala Marty McFly in the 3rd Back to the Future. I would also weld metal spikes onto it, facing outward, of course, so you could hug potential vampire killers and tell them, “That’s what it feels like.” Followed by evil laughter.

    • RCbunny says:

      In vampire lore does it say that the removal of the heart is equal to or greater than a stake through the heart? If so, then I wholeheartedly recant my former position on the subject and throw my hefty support behind you.

      Although, if a vampire could, indeed, remove his/her heart, then that could be the opportunity for even more devilish antics. Fancy me this: Remove the heart, booby-trap the cavity with some contraption that explodes poisonous shrapnel into whosoever does the stabbing. This works on two levels: 1.) It fells the would-be feller, 2.) It provides humor in the form of a booby-trap beneath, as it were, a booby. It’s a win-win.

      Oh, and thanks for the comment!

      • kat says:

        I’m pretty much basing my knowledge on a pile of Tomb of Dracula comics I read as a kid. Booby-trapping the booby cavity sounds awesome, though.

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