Skinny Tipping: Not Your Typical Tips

Tips on Living Longer:

  • Look both ways.
  • Avoid children, they suck the life out of you.
  • Avoid leeches, they literally suck the life out of you.
  • Maintain a strict diet of hard candy and licorice.
  • Count in cat years.

Tips on Losing Weight:

  • You have to be dedicated.
  • You have to sacrifice.
  • You need to be willing to give an arm and a leg to achieve your desired weight.
  • Amputations.  I’m getting at amputations here.

Tips for Saving Water:

  • Attend bloodbaths and baby showers–at the same time whenever possible.
  • Place cinder blocks in the bathtub to cut down on the amount of water necessary to fill the tub all the way up.
  • Vacuum-seal the house; don’t let the shit evaporate.

Tips for Saving Money:

  • Holla:  “We want prenup!”

Tips for Making More Money:

  • Let grandma know how much you love her:  Hug her especially tight next time.
  • Invest in sticks and stones:  According to Einstein, there will be a premium put on both shortly after World War III.
  •  You are who you hang with:  Move to Luxembourg (GDP per capita: $81,000) not The Democratic Republic of Congo (GDP per capita: $300).
  • Hone your meekness; I hear you’ll get a kick-ass inheritance.

Tips for Getting a Girlfriend:

  • See: Tips for Making More Money.

Reader-Submitted Miscellaneous Tips:

  • Regicide is sometimes necessary, and that’s okay (submitted by Clevelanders).
  • Do not duel Aaron Burr (submitted by 10dolla_Bill)
  • Buy gloves a size too small (submitted by Urbrkfstbvg_OJ)
  • Eye dew knot under stand graham her ore lodge hick, sew ewe bet her (submitted by Microsoft Word)
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2 thoughts on “Skinny Tipping: Not Your Typical Tips

  1. Tip for Servers
    Hey, you have to earn these! I’m not just going to give them to you!

    Tip for the Easter Bunny
    Can we do something about your color palate? Some earth tones, maybe? That would make the eggs harder to find. I’m just saying.

    Tip for Cows
    Ha ha! Got you! Just try to get up now, Bovine Betty!

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