Tips on Living Longer:
- Look both ways.
- Avoid children, they suck the life out of you.
- Avoid leeches, they literally suck the life out of you.
- Maintain a strict diet of hard candy and licorice.
- Count in cat years.
Tips on Losing Weight:
- You have to be dedicated.
- You have to sacrifice.
- You need to be willing to give an arm and a leg to achieve your desired weight.
- Amputations. I’m getting at amputations here.
Tips for Saving Water:
- Attend bloodbaths and baby showers–at the same time whenever possible.
- Place cinder blocks in the bathtub to cut down on the amount of water necessary to fill the tub all the way up.
- Vacuum-seal the house; don’t let the shit evaporate.
Tips for Saving Money:
- Holla: “We want prenup!”
Tips for Making More Money:
- Let grandma know how much you love her: Hug her especially tight next time.
- Invest in sticks and stones: According to Einstein, there will be a premium put on both shortly after World War III.
- You are who you hang with: Move to Luxembourg (GDP per capita: $81,000) not The Democratic Republic of Congo (GDP per capita: $300).
- Hone your meekness; I hear you’ll get a kick-ass inheritance.
Tips for Getting a Girlfriend:
- See: Tips for Making More Money.
Reader-Submitted Miscellaneous Tips:
- Regicide is sometimes necessary, and that’s okay (submitted by Clevelanders).
- Do not duel Aaron Burr (submitted by 10dolla_Bill)
- Buy gloves a size too small (submitted by Urbrkfstbvg_OJ)
- Eye dew knot under stand graham her ore lodge hick, sew ewe bet her (submitted by Microsoft Word)