It’s okay that you smear my sheets with skid-marks when I spoon you in bed. I don’t care what others think when they see what a dirty mess we’ve made. You’re filthy, Nutella. Filthy enough to spread for anyone, but I dig you. I dig you all the way down to the bottom. When I’m with you, I always finish too soon. I just can’t help myself. You are too damn good. Once I get your top off, I absolutely need to go all the way. Hot damn, you go down so smooth, Nutella. Sometimes I’ll use my utensil, maybe I’ll dive in with my hands, but when I really lose control I’m not above using both. Am I ashamed? You’re damn right I am. I don’t know what comes over me. Once I have you, I simply need you to be inside me like I’m inside you.
I know you notice how I try to hide you from my friends. I know how that must make you feel. You think I’m embarrassed of you, don’t you? I want you to know that is just not the case. I do it for you. I do it for me. I can’t let my friends know about you. You remember that one time, right? When I brought my buddies over and they got a look at you? I got so angry when they asked if they could have you–I wanted to tell them to get their own Nutella–but you didn’t seem to mind. So…so we shared you. I could see that they took a lot out of you, and that made me upset, very upset. So, I don’t want you to be depressed when I hide you from my friends. There, you understand, don’t you? You’re such a sweet one, Nutella.
When our forays are finished, you seem empty inside. I can’t stand to see you like that–vacant as a cheap motel–so I treat you like trash. I let you stick around a bit. I keep you in the kitchen until I decide to throw you out on the curb. I always see those other guys pick you up in their truck, but they don’t look at you like I do. Am I chauvinistic and shallow? You betcha! But I always get you back, don’t I? I always double-dip what you’re bringing to the table. We’re messed up lovers, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you, Nutella: You will always be my guiltiest pleasure.
*Note: No Nutella was harmed in the researching and making of this blog. It’s innuendo–don’t look so disturbed.