My (Dirty) Love Letter to Nutella

"It's kinda my thing."

Dear Nutella,

It’s okay that you smear my sheets with skid-marks when I spoon you in bed.  I don’t care what others think when they see what a dirty mess we’ve made.  You’re filthy, Nutella.  Filthy enough to spread for anyone, but I dig you.  I dig you all the way down to the bottom.  When I’m with you, I always finish too soon.  I just can’t help myself.  You are too damn good.  Once I get your top off, I absolutely need to go all the way.  Hot damn, you go down so smooth, Nutella.  Sometimes I’ll use my utensil, maybe I’ll dive in with my hands, but when I really lose control I’m not above using both.  Am I ashamed?  You’re damn right I am.  I don’t know what comes over me.  Once I have you, I simply need you to be inside me like I’m inside you.

I know you notice how I try to hide you from my friends.  I know how that must make you feel.  You think I’m embarrassed of you, don’t you?  I want you to know that is just not the case.  I do it for you.  I do it for me.  I can’t let my friends know about you.  You remember that one time, right?  When I brought my buddies over and they got a look at you?  I got so angry when they asked if they could have you–I wanted to tell them to get their own Nutella–but you didn’t seem to mind.  So…so we shared you.  I could see that they took a lot out of you, and that made me upset, very upset.  So, I don’t want you to be depressed when I hide you from my friends.  There, you understand, don’t you?  You’re such a sweet one, Nutella.

When our forays are finished, you seem empty inside.  I can’t stand to see you like that–vacant as a cheap motel–so I treat you like trash.  I let you stick around a bit.  I keep you in the kitchen until  I decide to throw you out on the curb.  I always see those other guys pick you up in their truck, but they don’t look at you like I do.  Am I chauvinistic and shallow?  You betcha!  But I always get you back, don’t I?  I always double-dip what you’re bringing to the table.  We’re messed up lovers, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I love you, Nutella:  You will always be my guiltiest pleasure.



*Note:  No Nutella was harmed in the researching and making of this blog.  It’s innuendo–don’t look so disturbed.

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3 thoughts on “My (Dirty) Love Letter to Nutella

  1. Bahaha this is awesome! I have to say I share your love-obsession with the devine and sinful hazelnuty-chocolately spread (said as I spoon globs of it into my mouth…who needs bread when you have a spoon, or a finger for that matter lol). Great blog 🙂

  2. I once had a three-way with that Smuckers peanut butter and jelly combo.

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