I have spent the last month half-naked, trolling the halls of my house in search of my kitty, something to nom nom on (Nutella?), or, generally speaking, my life’s purpose. Sure, it’s invigorating whenever I chance upon a mirror or reflective surface during my haphazard strolls between my computer and my kitchen–yes, I am that good-looking–but most of the time I am depressed. With the exception of being über-attractive, talented beyond all get-out, and white, I have nothing going for me. Why is this? The answer is simple: I have no crew.
A crew is what you see in sitcoms all the time: A close-knit group of buddies with a strict pecking-order that starts with the buffoons and flunkies, finds the median at the sidekicks and second-in-commands, and then, of course, ends with the leader. With the successful execution of this sentence, I will have mined my mind of the mettle required to be such a leader. Indeed, I have creativity out the wazoo, I ooze charm like pimples ooze puss; now, I just need the rest: A crew.
The first order of business is to find a second-in-command. This is the principal obligation because, even if I were to fail in finding the rest, if I find a second-in-command, the worst I could do is a duo. Honestly, duos aren’t that bad because there is still a stringent hierarchy in duos. My second-in-command needs to be the Robin to my Batman, the Garfunkel to my Simon, the Trotsky to my Lenin, the Andrew Ridgeley to my George Michael, the Jesus to my Republican Party, the Abu to my Aladdin, the Russian Winter to my Russian War Strategy, the Brick Bazooka to my Chip Hazard, and etcetera. You get the point. Anyways, it is imperative that I find someone to stand by my side and embrace the inferiority complex attached thereto.
Next comes the hooligans: They are a lovable bunch of stock and static characters, really. Depth of character is highly discouraged in the rank-and-file of a crew. A crew, sans the duo at the top, is a horde of sycophants for hire. The key is to snatch the thoughtless throng before it attaches itself to another viable leader. Take it from a man actively searching for a crew: Minions are an elusive bunch. They offer little, save loyalty, but I need that loyalty in my life.
The next logical question is this: How does one find a crew? Unfortunately, I am in the midst of a trial-and-error search for the very answer to that question. I have neither the sidekick nor the stooges it to takes to make a crew. I am a lonely leader looking for someone(s) to lead. If you or someone you know is sidekick material, let me know. I am fielding applications until further notice. If you or someone you know struggled with the concepts of this blog, let me know: You or that someone you know just might have the stuff it takes to be one of my flunkies!