First there were snakes on a plane. Now we have goats in trees. I have affectionately dubbed them Goatrees. The basic story is this: Some Moroccan goats, upon hearing the Three Billy Goats Gruff story, decided that their previous edict, which forbade any and all goats from crossing any and all bridges, was not severe enough; extra precautionary measures needed to be taken. The goatish brain-trust devised an ingenious plan, one which the ogre would never guess. You see, according to my Venn Diagram below, ogres are rarely, if ever, boy scouts. As we all know, the boy scout motto is to expect the unexpected. Who the hell would expect goats to seek refuge in a tree? No one, that’s who. Thus, a boy scout, that’s who. Trust me, the logic makes sense. Now, because ogres are not boy scouts…well, I think the case speaks for itself.
Wait a moment. I am getting word that the Three Billy Goats Gruff story is an utter fabrication. Apparently Moroccan goats are unable to understand Norwegian fairy tales anyway. Who knew? So then, what is the true story behind this? The mainstream media will have you believe that the goats are scaling trees in search of delicious berries. I say, that is juvenile reporting; presuming the easiest available causality without exhausting the ridiculously implausible first. Rookie mistake. I say, let’s take a look at the goat psyche: It is well-known that goats suffer from a rather debilitating inferiority complex that dates back to biblical times. In bestowing the moniker of “the Lamb” on Jesus, Christians inadvertently spurned the lamb’s uglier cousin, the goat. Moreover, upon noticing their cloven hooves and devilish horns, Christians, not so inadvertently this time, demonized the goat to further sully its reputation and street cred. Indeed, Christianity has certainly done a number on goats throughout the years.
And so, considering where the goats are coming from, I propose an alternate reason as to why goats have taken to the trees: In an effort to better their species’ standing, the goatish political machine that brought us Mountain Goats clearly orchestrated another publicity stunt to, yet again, place goats on a higher level, both literally and figuratively. Evidently, goats have an affinity for heights and for doggedly screaming f*** you in the face of evolution. My scientists have extrapolated the data available and fully expect the trend to continue. Conservative estimates give us Skyscraper Goats by the spring of 2012, followed shortly thereafter by Airplane Goats, Astronaut Goats, and, ultimately, Raptured Goats.