Where to Sleep: The price of a hotel or motel is directly correlated to the reckless pizzazz of its name. The Swashbuckler’s Bungalow. The Edge of the Woods Motel. The Highlander Castle Inn. The Wade and Sea, Beach (read this one aloud, then wait and see, bitch). Basically what I am getting at is this: Hotels overcompensate for their shittiness by overdoing their names. Or, sometimes, you’ll get lucky (in more ways than one!) and find the motel below:
This hotel/motel shit is money-saving advice when you are on the road and need a place to crash for the night. Trust me, you’ll save a buck or two.
Where to Eat: Not surprisingly, it is obligatory road-trip tradition to eat fast food for almost every meal. If you are not seeping grease out of your pits by the drive’s end, then you are not traveling correctly. On the rare occasions that your stomach is deep-fried to oblivion and you absolutely need something other than McDonald’s or Long John Silver’s, then it is imperative that you find a janky-ass Ma and Pa’s to eat at. This is important for two reasons: (1) You will unhappily discover that Ma and Pa’s “secret” recipe is to simmer everything on the menu in a vat of gurgling, semi-coagulated lard and that Ma and Pa’s “secret” sauce is Thousand Island Dressing, in one form or another (2) You will undoubtedly feel uneasy about the provinciality of the other patrons, finding a new sense of allegiance to wherever it is you are from. This is important on a road-trip: The rural pit-stops must reinforce both how backward country-folk are and how much better wherever you live is than wherever you are passing through is.
How to Sight-See: Do not take pictures of well-known landmarks. The only possible exception to this is if you or someone you know is posing in front of them, but even this is only necessary if you lack Photoshop prowess. I can see you doubting me, rolling your eyes and whatnot. Consult the picture below:
Unless you are a photography savant AND have the cajones to trespass at a National Park, you will not take a picture as good as the one above. And even if you did satisfy the criteria to take a picture as awesome, it would simply be a copy of that which already exists. Again, the only time you should be taking a picture of something famous is if you or someone you know is going to be in it, and that is only if you lack the skills necessary to photoshop you or your buddy into an already existing professional photograph. Enjoy the moment with your own eyes; don’t waste it by looking at it through an LCD screen. Trust me
How to Drive: Remember: If you’re not passing anyone, you’re losing the race. In light of exhaustive studies, it has been ethically proven, and verified by science, that the demographic most at risk to be victimized by bouts of inspired road-rage is slow drivers. Don’t become another statistic.
How to Pass the Time Driving: Believe it or not, many people do not read my blog. Thus, many people will not know that speed limit signs have, in invisible ink, a +10 tacked onto the end of each number. And so, the ire that these lollygaggers inspire will help you get through the drive. Phrases like, “You son of a bitch in the Buick, I will murder your grandchildren, then euthanize you,” will certainly be conversation-starters. If there are no slow drivers around to act as a scapegoat for your boredom, you can always strike up a conversation about a divisive issue like religion, politics, or euthanasia; that will surely snowball into something unmanageable, yet time-consuming.