It’s no secret that America has an obesity problem. It is, quite literally, tough to hide. It’s the several elephants in every room, if you will. Likewise, America has been suckling on the teat of the oil and coal industry for far too long, and, those of you acquainted with suckling know that too much suckling sucks. There have been many plans to remedy each of these issues, but what I have now is a plan to remedy both of them at once. As the old adage goes: Two birds with one stone. As the older adage goes: Two dinosaur-descendants with one asteroid-descendant. And as the oldest adage goes: All dinosaurs with one asteroid. We’ll stick with the two-for-one, though!
So, what is the solution, you say? It’s simple, really. One hour, daily, every American must get on a stationary bike or elliptical and pedal or stride, respectively. The trick here is that each device is hooked up to some central generator that is charged with the energy created by the national workout. The slogan writes itself: “Clean energy provided by dirty people!”
This innovative resolution of solving two problems at once could be precedential. We could solve all our problems two at a time. We could address adult and, let’s be honest here, some child literacy issues AS WELL AS assault weapon dangers by sending ten or more oval periodicals to anyone purchasing more than ten-round magazines. Bonus: We would also teach people the wit and humor found in nuanced wordplay. We could solve the debt crisis AND the cushy nature of prison by putting our prisoners to work for dirt-cheap wages. Combat China’s cheap child labor with our own cheap child-molester labor! Actually, this idea is so good it’s already happening!
Well, I trust you get the point. I urge you all to begin approaching your problems from the two-for-one mindset. Have fun!