I have philosophies that offend you (and I am absolutely adorable while making pizza). Deal with it:
- I think marriage is a farce: the only thing that should tether two people together should be affection, not finance.
- I think the 8 Minute Abs infomercial is misleading by roughly 7,040 minutes.
- I think the karma from the Three-Fifths compromise is directly responsible for white men penises being exactly two-fifths shorter than black men penises.
- I understand how the above might sound racist. I am not racist. I know, I know: that sounds like something a racist would say…
- I think the culmination of the Harry Potter series is a regrettable case of winning on a technicality. No way does Harry beat Mr. Riddle under any other circumstance. In fact, anyone could have felled the Dark Lord under the same conditions. The ending wrested the agency from Harry. In many ways, the narrative became all about he-who-must-not-be-named and his hubris. I call bullshit! Damn you, J.K.! (jk)
- I hate text-speak. See above: I did that only because it set up an overly-clever wink-wink moment, but I abhorred every moment of the delight I get from it.
- I think human blood tastes like Nutella to vampires.
- I think the highest compliment is to be accused of plagiarism–it means you are better than they think you are. Score!
- I think women with three-pronged names are the most beautiful: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Sarah Jessica Parker (circa, and only during, Hocus Pocus).
- I think I should stop these because you already know by now whether or not you are going to read this blog (READ IT).