For those of you not familiar with WordPress, the site offers its bloggers a handy little set of stats. These stats include how many “hits” your blog has for the day, week, month, year. It also identifies where the “hits” originate from. Perhaps the viewer clicked on a link from Facebook or Twitter, or perhaps it is because a fella searched for “Humor” on the WordPress search-engine and stumbled upon your humorous blog, or maybe, just maybe, they searched Google for “my fat friend looks like kool aide.” This last avenue is the one I want to pause on. See, as a WordPress blogger, I am able to see exactly what my readers typed in order to bring them to my blog. The previous (and all subsequent) search entries are real searches made by my real readers. Those inquisitive souls deserve to find what they are looking for or, at the very least, someone who will respond to what they are looking for. I am that person. For each search, I will do my damnedest to provide a sufficient response. These are my readers, apparently. Enjoy.
Note: The searches are in bold and the responses are not.
What is the liquid used to knock people out: Chloroform, my friend. I’m sure you’ll have a woozy date in no time. People who purchased this item also purchased: A white cloth.
Dirty minds will only be able to see this: I don’t know what “this” is, but I see phallic symbols all over the place. Ubiquitous dick, I tell you!
People who look like people from the past: Any people of an ethnicity other than your own; they all look the same, after all.
I like you you are weird: If I may, this is quite a charming and cute search. It feels authentic and is all the more adorable because the searcher opted for “like” instead of “love.” Well played, anonymous.
Me riding my dog under a saddle: I’m not sure if Google is gonna give you the picture you’re looking for…it might give you someone riding a dog in a saddle, but I have my doubts that that someone is gonna be you. I could be wrong. This could be you.
Causes for cat to be born without eyes: The eyeballs got lost under the refrigerator with all the other balls.
My children are better than yours: Well, that can only mean that my abortions were more successful than yours.
Do all men have hair on ass: Only real men, son.
No levels of honesty just honesty funny cat: This one starts out philosophical, pausing on what seems to be a disenchantment with the multiple tiers of honesty in favor of a more simple incarnation, then quickly dissolves into “funny cat.” This type of search is commonly known as of now as Internet Tourette’s, or the inability to finish a serious Google-search without including something utterly ridiculous and off-topic.
Skid marks on bed sheets: Suggestion number one: Wipe your ass better. Suggestion number two: Stop sleeping naked. Suggestion number three: Get a dream-catcher because your dreams should not make you shit your pants.
Dirty ways to use nutella: Come on over. Bring the Nutella, honey. Also, read this, it should get you hot.
Morgan freeman girlfriend: He don’t need a girl, he got Andy Dufresne!
Badass charizard: See: Charizard.
Bikinis on fat animals: See: Bikinis on Americans. America is obese. Deal with it.
Wham george micheal ;): I love (LOVE) the winky face. The fact that someone typed that in with his or her search excites me about the future of the human race. There is hope yet! 😉
Impossible questions for gingers: Honestly, I’m surprised more people aren’t searching the same thing. We need to find out ways to stump these riddle-devouring gingers!
Things I wish were real: If you consult Google for your personal preferences, there is a problem. I bet your parents are ashamed. I know I am.
Kobe bryant and gary oak porn: I am delighted that this search brought you to my humble blog.
Things to dip in kool aide powder: Lick you finger. Dip it in. Lick a pretzel rod. Dip it in. Lick a Fun Dip stick. Dip it in. The possibilities are endless.
More coming soon…