Tag Archives: Harry Potter

Pop-Culture Hunger Games: Part IV


Note: If you missed Part I, Part II, or Part III click on the links!

The Contestants cont.

draco (2)

Rank: 7

Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter:  Draco, the platinum-locked douchebag from Hogwarts, joins the game as another tribute-everyone-wants-to-see-die, though, unlike the clear frontrunner in that department–Joffrey Baratheon–Draco might actually stick around for a while.  See, Draco and Joffrey share some similarities, including, but not limited to:  affluence; awesome uncles in Sirius (yes, he was Draco’s distant uncle) and Jaime (yes, he is also Joffrey’s father); more than a suggestion of incest in both their family trees (per Draco’s pure-bloodedness and Joffrey’s, well, clearly incestuous family); a penchant for getting punched and, generally, beat the shit out of by females (Arya and Hermione come to mind); an affinity for being flanked by flunkies (Crabbe & Goyle and the Hound/King’s Guard); and, of course, (spoiler alert) the blood of fan-favorites Dumbledore and Eddard Stark on their hands.  However, in spite of all his similarities to Joffrey, Draco has one thing Joffrey does not: real power in the form of magic.  Sure, he may be a lackluster wizard by Hermione Granger standards, but, as long as he can pronounce Avada Kedavra, he should do okay in these games.

X-factor:  While Draco does have some witchery on his side, he also has an unfortunate resemblance to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Spike.  There are two possible outcomes of his doppelgänger status, and each one of them is unsavory.  First, if we snatched the season 1-4 variety of Buffy for these games, then the slayer will stake our snakey “Spike.”  Probably with his own wand, no less.  And she will do it without giving it a thought until, of course, he doesn’t poof into ash.  However, if we recruited a later-season, seasoned Buffy, then she will likely jump his bones.  This may seem like a happy accident at first, but as soon as Draco, in the throes of foreplay, whispers something stupid like, “you must speak parseltongue, because you’re talking to my snake,” gesturing, of course, to his wee sorcerer and its stones, Buffy will smite him immediately.  Really, it’s the only fitting ending to someone who names their yet-to-be-born son Scorpius…

Luna-Lovegood-Wallpaper-luna-lovegood-25518114-1024-768 (2)

Rank: 9

Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter:  The games toyed with the idea of wresting the aforementioned Hermione Granger from the arms of Ron “Foolish-Faced” Weasley, but decided against it because, let’s be honest, she would run shit like Willow circa Season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Lo, we aspire to parity here at these games.  Luna Lovegood, whose last name pays homage to the broken English of foreigners attempting to say “has sex very well,” is another high-level threat in these games.  While she is quirky to the point of Zooey Deschanel, don’t let her eccentricities distract you from her power.  She is a bona fide witch.  Sure she’s weird and her dad is something of a traitor, but she outclasses Draco in nearly every category, making her, at least to date, the most accomplished magic-wielder in the games.  That’s nothing to scoff at.

X-factor:  Beyond her spells, Luna has the good fortune of being one of those characters you just don’t kill.  I mean, she is too spacey and unthreatening to die so brutally in gladiatorial combat.  It would take a special kind of monster to slay someone like Luna.  Felling her is like felling a unicorn–only assholes do it.  There are, however, a few assholes in these games (see: above), so nothing except one who looks directly at the basilisk is set in *stone.

Check back for Part V and more of the contenders…

*Okay, so they are technically petrified.  But the joke almost worked swimmingly!

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Pop-Culture Hunger Games: Part I


The Hunger Games has happily filled the void left by Harry Potter as the new young-adult juggernaut.  Since I refuse to read anything that I do not write, I had a friend read me the series.  So far we are about a third of the way through the third book, Mockingjay.  The premise of pitting individuals against each other in a fight to the death is not new, but it is inherently compelling.  I think the Hunger Games series does a commendable job creating a new spin on the gladiatorial tournament we are all used to.  And so, in honor of the entertaining series, I will be creating a Hunger Games of my own!

In true Hunger-Games fashion, I will pull 2 contestants from each of the 12 districts; however, unlike the books, the districts are not based on territory, rather on pop-culture.  For example, one district will be Star Wars, from which I will choose a male and female that appear in the Star Wars franchise.  Moreover, I will not be restricted by age, nor will I technically use the lottery system; I will simply pick who I want to see fight.  Like in the books, I will rank their Hunger Games potential on a scale of 1-12 , with 1 being Joffrey Baratheon and 12 being Khal Drogo.  I will write a blurb explaining their tendencies, personalities, weapons, x-factors, and etcetera.  Then I will describe the arena in which the games will be played.  And, lastly, I will take everything into account, give a brief description of the games, and then crown a winner.  Good luck, and may the odds ever be in your favor!

The Contestants

Wet Jack

Rank: 9

Jack Shepard, LOST:  Jack has been affectionately dubbed the Human Slip ‘n Slide, and he’s more than earned the nickname.  He is an avid sweater, telling our own Caesar Flickerman that “the world is his sauna.”  Jack’s penchant for perspiration gives him an obvious advantage in grappling combat, as he noted:  “Fists and kicks are hydrophobic…and I’m a waterfall!”  Beyond his pouring pores, Jack figures to excel early on when contestants tend to unify into tenuous alliances.  We suspect he’ll parlay his intrinsic leadership, medical expertise, and lost-on-a-desert-island experience into early success.

However, we suspect Jack’s reliance on the reliance of a group will be his undoing.  He’ll lull into that familiar leadership role, never supposing the killing blow will come from behind, right in his we-have-to-go-back back.

X-factor:  Jack’s healthy fear of others may save him from his group’s inevitable betrayal, making him a dark horse to win.

danielle-rousseau

Rank: 3-8

Danielle Rousseau, LOST:  Rousseau is what we in the business refer to as a Spoiler.  She will never win the games, but she is just unpredictable and skilled enough to spoil a frontrunner or two’s chances.  She has already lost a finger and the games haven’t even started yet.  At one of last week’s buffets she was seen gnawing on her pinky, smearing the blood–creating what she referred to as:  “Makeshift lipstick”.  When asked why she was consuming her own finger, she whispered to the wall in her native french (translated here for your convenience):  “No food.  Finger-licking good.  Mmmmmmmmm…”

When they aren’t moving through her digestive tract, Rousseau’s fingers are quite comfortable on a trigger.  Despite her off-camber everything, Rousseau is a bonafide killer.  She’s as likely to cannibalize the rest of her hands and feet as she is to commit to the game, so chances are she’ll bow out quickly, perhaps even in the first minute on account of trying to differentiate the voices in her head from our loudspeakers in the sky.

X-factor:  She is the x-factor, making her the fine print in all of her opponents’ x-factors.

Admiral

Rank: 4

Admiral Ackbar, Star Wars:  The admiral is a trap-finding savant.  No booby-trap will get the best of him.  He escaped a Chinese finger trap on the first try.  He co-wrote Linday Lohan’s The Parent Trap.  He invented the trap door.  He warned R. Kelly about getting trapped in the closet.  He gets royalties whenever someone else identifies a trap.  Someone once invited him over for calamari, but he replied, say it with me:  “It’s a trap!”  And it was.  That someone was later arrested after inviting the Pokemon Clamperl over for a clambake.  Clamperl was boiled and buttered, which sources say was “Super Effective!”

In addition to trap classification, Admirable Ackbar has no other discernible skills.  He is nonthreatening, so it is likely he will be invited to join an alliance as a trap expert, but his nasally speech and delectable squid-corpse will prove too strong a motivator and someone will undoubtedly kill him for a meal.  He will likely meet his end in a giant, boiling caldron.  But, the upside is, he will have seen it coming from a mile away.  We can say with confidence that his last words will be a whisper, an acquiescence:  “I always knew it was a trap…”

X-factor:  There is an off-chance the admiral could simply skinny-dip into a pond or lake, masquerading as wildlife for the duration of the games…

Princess leia

Rank: 6

Leia Organa, Star Wars:  Princess Leia is a bundle of potential with incestual tendencies.  The plus side of things is that she has no family in the games, so that distraction shouldn’t affect her prospects.  However, the chauvinism of the Jedi leave her as untapped potential.  We reached out to the Jedi Council for a comment, asking them why, when shit was going down, they sought out Luke, but refused to consider Leia until she was, quite literally, the last option in the entire galaxy far, far away, but they refused to comment.

Unfortunately for Leia, her lack of training and general uppity-ness will put her in the ground sooner rather than later.  She is not really a team player, preferring to assume a leadership position, yet she is a shitty leader on account of believing entitlement guarantees power.  Help her, Obi-Wan Kenobi, she has got no hope!

X-factor:  She’s royalty and hot, so she is bound to have a lot of fans.  She can expect lots of gifts from above, and maybe one of those gifts will be The Jedi Mind Trick for Dummies?

Joffrey

Rank: 1 and most certainly

Joffrey Baratheon, Game of Thrones:  Perhaps foreseeing his own demise, Joffrey has already offered a litany of excuses to explain the poor showing everyone expects him to have:  “No doubt the sun will be directly in my eyes the entire time, obscuring my enemies from Hearteater’s deadly blade; the wind will certainly be blowing all of my projectiles astray; and my ankle, being horribly sprained of course, will force me to flail my arms and legs in what will look like an attempt at running by someone who is painstakingly inept at it, but will really be a necessity on account of, ya know, that bum ankle I’ll have…”

Joffrey broke Hunger-Games combine records in terms of inadequacy for every single weapon and skill he attempted.  Moreover, he has already made enemies of nearly every other participant, even inspiring the ire of Jack Shepard, who claims Joffrey’s tendency to “cry like a bitch until his cheeks are wet with snot and sob” is an affront to, and a poor imitation of, the Human Slip ‘n Slide’s “manly liquid secretion.”

Early predictions see Joffrey spending his, no doubt, few moments in the games stomping on hapless ants while shouting:  “King of da castle.  King of da castle.”

X-factor:  Given his blue blood and his life-owing relationship to incest, there is a slight possibility that Joffrey and Leia will become a duo, marginally improving their chances, but, even so, given their shortcomings the royals are royally f*****.

Daenerys-Targaryen

Rank: 7

Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones:  Daenerys is strong willed with ambition as big as her breasts, and has few reservations flaunting it and them (her ambition and breasts, respectively).  She lives “far to the east” with her three dragons and manservant, Jorah Mormont, an avid Lawrence of Arabia/British East India Company impersonator.  Even without her dragons, she is no slouch, claiming to be “as flame-retardant as they come.”  Strangely, the male participants already seem aware of her ability, noting:  “Damn, that girl hotter than fire,”  followed by requisite high fives and laughter laced with douchebaggery.

Daenerys is yet another wannabe leader, though she tends to be humorless and overly-entitled, which may work against her.  In addition to fire, she also appears immune to innuendo, responding to several invitations from her male opponents to “come and tame [their dragons]” with a starkly serious and overly-emotional:  “You’ve seen my dragons?  Where are they?  GIVE ME MY DRAGONS!!!!”

The self-proclaimed Mother of Dragons does not seem too adept at any sort of combat.  She claims to have strong magic–“And what of my magic?  Is it not strong?”–yet it is abundantly clear that she is referring to her dragons as her magic.  She’s in for an awful awakening when she realizes her dragons won’t be accompanying her into the games…

X-factor:  If none of her competitors heed Smokey the Bear’s warning regarding forest fires, there is a chance that a giant conflagration will raze the entire arena, leaving Daenerys nude, unscathed, and the winner, but it’s a long shot.

Check back for Part II and the rest of the contestants…

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5 Things I Wish were Real


  1. The Force:  Expected?  Of course.  Necessary?  I find it insulting that you would ask.  The Force would be an awesome addition to any galaxy because it offers superpowers to certain individuals while disallowing them to others.  No more subjective arguments with agree-to-disagree shenanigans;  I am better than you and I have the Midichlorian count to prove it.  Also, I have a lightsaber.  Nature haphazardly selected me as an infant to be intrinsically better than you.  Tend to your wisecracks, befriend a human Woolly Bear, and cross your fingers that you’re handsome as Han when you grow up and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get my sloppy-seconds…err…my sister.  Don’t look at me that way, incest doesn’t bother me, bro.  Also, to further humiliate the dimwits out there, I can make stupid people say and do whatever I want.  I am like a walking IQ test; if my mind trick works on you, it means you are an idiot, conclusively.  Yes, the Force is something we need.
  2. The Sorting Hat:  We need a magical device to tell 6th graders they are and will be either brave, immoral, intelligent, or jolly.  It would be like one of those career tests you take to find out what you should be when you grow up.  If you are a Slytherin, maybe you’ll be a snake wrangler?  If you are a Gryffindor, maybe you’ll play for Atlanta?  If you are a Ravenclaw, maybe you’ll stop reading this blog?  If you are a Hufflepuff, well, I’m sorry.   Regardless, we need a sorting hat to let us know who we are and who other people are.  We also need a sorting hat to decide who is attractive and who is not.  Apologies to Daniel Craig, Lady Gaga (yes, this is really her before she was famous, on MTV’s Boiling Point), Marge Simpson, Boyz II Men, and orange people, but you are not attractive.  A sorting hat would cut the confusion.
  3. Angelina Jolie’s Lips:  Oh, she claims they are real?
  4. Angelina Jolie to tell the truth:  If those lips are really real, then I need to see photographic proof.  Show me a pic of young Angelina.  Oh, wait, found one!  Jynx, you owe me a laugh!
  5. A fourth season to Arrested Development:  Either this or an Arrested Development movie.  I know they say it is in the works, but I won’t believe it until I see it.  I need more this.
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