The Hunger Games has happily filled the void left by Harry Potter as the new young-adult juggernaut. Since I refuse to read anything that I do not write, I had a friend read me the series. So far we are about a third of the way through the third book, Mockingjay. The premise of pitting individuals against each other in a fight to the death is not new, but it is inherently compelling. I think the Hunger Games series does a commendable job creating a new spin on the gladiatorial tournament we are all used to. And so, in honor of the entertaining series, I will be creating a Hunger Games of my own!
In true Hunger-Games fashion, I will pull 2 contestants from each of the 12 districts; however, unlike the books, the districts are not based on territory, rather on pop-culture. For example, one district will be Star Wars, from which I will choose a male and female that appear in the Star Wars franchise. Moreover, I will not be restricted by age, nor will I technically use the lottery system; I will simply pick who I want to see fight. Like in the books, I will rank their Hunger Games potential on a scale of 1-12 , with 1 being Joffrey Baratheon and 12 being Khal Drogo. I will write a blurb explaining their tendencies, personalities, weapons, x-factors, and etcetera. Then I will describe the arena in which the games will be played. And, lastly, I will take everything into account, give a brief description of the games, and then crown a winner. Good luck, and may the odds ever be in your favor!
Jack Shepard, LOST: Jack has been affectionately dubbed the Human Slip ‘n Slide, and he’s more than earned the nickname. He is an avid sweater, telling our own Caesar Flickerman that “the world is his sauna.” Jack’s penchant for perspiration gives him an obvious advantage in grappling combat, as he noted: “Fists and kicks are hydrophobic…and I’m a waterfall!” Beyond his pouring pores, Jack figures to excel early on when contestants tend to unify into tenuous alliances. We suspect he’ll parlay his intrinsic leadership, medical expertise, and lost-on-a-desert-island experience into early success.
However, we suspect Jack’s reliance on the reliance of a group will be his undoing. He’ll lull into that familiar leadership role, never supposing the killing blow will come from behind, right in his we-have-to-go-back back.
X-factor: Jack’s healthy fear of others may save him from his group’s inevitable betrayal, making him a dark horse to win.
Danielle Rousseau, LOST: Rousseau is what we in the business refer to as a Spoiler. She will never win the games, but she is just unpredictable and skilled enough to spoil a frontrunner or two’s chances. She has already lost a finger and the games haven’t even started yet. At one of last week’s buffets she was seen gnawing on her pinky, smearing the blood–creating what she referred to as: “Makeshift lipstick”. When asked why she was consuming her own finger, she whispered to the wall in her native french (translated here for your convenience): “No food. Finger-licking good. Mmmmmmmmm…”
When they aren’t moving through her digestive tract, Rousseau’s fingers are quite comfortable on a trigger. Despite her off-camber everything, Rousseau is a bonafide killer. She’s as likely to cannibalize the rest of her hands and feet as she is to commit to the game, so chances are she’ll bow out quickly, perhaps even in the first minute on account of trying to differentiate the voices in her head from our loudspeakers in the sky.
X-factor: She is the x-factor, making her the fine print in all of her opponents’ x-factors.
Admiral Ackbar, Star Wars: The admiral is a trap-finding savant. No booby-trap will get the best of him. He escaped a Chinese finger trap on the first try. He co-wrote Linday Lohan’s The Parent Trap. He invented the trap door. He warned R. Kelly about getting trapped in the closet. He gets royalties whenever someone else identifies a trap. Someone once invited him over for calamari, but he replied, say it with me: “It’s a trap!” And it was. That someone was later arrested after inviting the Pokemon Clamperl over for a clambake. Clamperl was boiled and buttered, which sources say was “Super Effective!”
In addition to trap classification, Admirable Ackbar has no other discernible skills. He is nonthreatening, so it is likely he will be invited to join an alliance as a trap expert, but his nasally speech and delectable squid-corpse will prove too strong a motivator and someone will undoubtedly kill him for a meal. He will likely meet his end in a giant, boiling caldron. But, the upside is, he will have seen it coming from a mile away. We can say with confidence that his last words will be a whisper, an acquiescence: “I always knew it was a trap…”
X-factor: There is an off-chance the admiral could simply skinny-dip into a pond or lake, masquerading as wildlife for the duration of the games…
Leia Organa, Star Wars: Princess Leia is a bundle of potential with incestual tendencies. The plus side of things is that she has no family in the games, so that distraction shouldn’t affect her prospects. However, the chauvinism of the Jedi leave her as untapped potential. We reached out to the Jedi Council for a comment, asking them why, when shit was going down, they sought out Luke, but refused to consider Leia until she was, quite literally, the last option in the entire galaxy far, far away, but they refused to comment.
Unfortunately for Leia, her lack of training and general uppity-ness will put her in the ground sooner rather than later. She is not really a team player, preferring to assume a leadership position, yet she is a shitty leader on account of believing entitlement guarantees power. Help her, Obi-Wan Kenobi, she has got no hope!
X-factor: She’s royalty and hot, so she is bound to have a lot of fans. She can expect lots of gifts from above, and maybe one of those gifts will be The Jedi Mind Trick for Dummies?
Joffrey Baratheon, Game of Thrones: Perhaps foreseeing his own demise, Joffrey has already offered a litany of excuses to explain the poor showing everyone expects him to have: “No doubt the sun will be directly in my eyes the entire time, obscuring my enemies from Hearteater’s deadly blade; the wind will certainly be blowing all of my projectiles astray; and my ankle, being horribly sprained of course, will force me to flail my arms and legs in what will look like an attempt at running by someone who is painstakingly inept at it, but will really be a necessity on account of, ya know, that bum ankle I’ll have…”
Joffrey broke Hunger-Games combine records in terms of inadequacy for every single weapon and skill he attempted. Moreover, he has already made enemies of nearly every other participant, even inspiring the ire of Jack Shepard, who claims Joffrey’s tendency to “cry like a bitch until his cheeks are wet with snot and sob” is an affront to, and a poor imitation of, the Human Slip ‘n Slide’s “manly liquid secretion.”
Early predictions see Joffrey spending his, no doubt, few moments in the games stomping on hapless ants while shouting: “King of da castle. King of da castle.”
X-factor: Given his blue blood and his life-owing relationship to incest, there is a slight possibility that Joffrey and Leia will become a duo, marginally improving their chances, but, even so, given their shortcomings the royals are royally f*****.
Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones: Daenerys is strong willed with ambition as big as her breasts, and has few reservations flaunting it and them (her ambition and breasts, respectively). She lives “far to the east” with her three dragons and manservant, Jorah Mormont, an avid Lawrence of Arabia/British East India Company impersonator. Even without her dragons, she is no slouch, claiming to be “as flame-retardant as they come.” Strangely, the male participants already seem aware of her ability, noting: “Damn, that girl hotter than fire,” followed by requisite high fives and laughter laced with douchebaggery.
Daenerys is yet another wannabe leader, though she tends to be humorless and overly-entitled, which may work against her. In addition to fire, she also appears immune to innuendo, responding to several invitations from her male opponents to “come and tame [their dragons]” with a starkly serious and overly-emotional: “You’ve seen my dragons? Where are they? GIVE ME MY DRAGONS!!!!”
The self-proclaimed Mother of Dragons does not seem too adept at any sort of combat. She claims to have strong magic–“And what of my magic? Is it not strong?”–yet it is abundantly clear that she is referring to her dragons as her magic. She’s in for an awful awakening when she realizes her dragons won’t be accompanying her into the games…
X-factor: If none of her competitors heed Smokey the Bear’s warning regarding forest fires, there is a chance that a giant conflagration will raze the entire arena, leaving Daenerys nude, unscathed, and the winner, but it’s a long shot.
Check back for Part II and the rest of the contestants…