The Contestants cont.
Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter: Draco, the platinum-locked douchebag from Hogwarts, joins the game as another tribute-everyone-wants-to-see-die, though, unlike the clear frontrunner in that department–Joffrey Baratheon–Draco might actually stick around for a while. See, Draco and Joffrey share some similarities, including, but not limited to: affluence; awesome uncles in Sirius (yes, he was Draco’s distant uncle) and Jaime (yes, he is also Joffrey’s father); more than a suggestion of incest in both their family trees (per Draco’s pure-bloodedness and Joffrey’s, well, clearly incestuous family); a penchant for getting punched and, generally, beat the shit out of by females (Arya and Hermione come to mind); an affinity for being flanked by flunkies (Crabbe & Goyle and the Hound/King’s Guard); and, of course, (spoiler alert) the blood of fan-favorites Dumbledore and Eddard Stark on their hands. However, in spite of all his similarities to Joffrey, Draco has one thing Joffrey does not: real power in the form of magic. Sure, he may be a lackluster wizard by Hermione Granger standards, but, as long as he can pronounce Avada Kedavra, he should do okay in these games.
X-factor: While Draco does have some witchery on his side, he also has an unfortunate resemblance to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Spike. There are two possible outcomes of his doppelgänger status, and each one of them is unsavory. First, if we snatched the season 1-4 variety of Buffy for these games, then the slayer will stake our snakey “Spike.” Probably with his own wand, no less. And she will do it without giving it a thought until, of course, he doesn’t poof into ash. However, if we recruited a later-season, seasoned Buffy, then she will likely jump his bones. This may seem like a happy accident at first, but as soon as Draco, in the throes of foreplay, whispers something stupid like, “you must speak parseltongue, because you’re talking to my snake,” gesturing, of course, to his wee sorcerer and its stones, Buffy will smite him immediately. Really, it’s the only fitting ending to someone who names their yet-to-be-born son Scorpius…
Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter: The games toyed with the idea of wresting the aforementioned Hermione Granger from the arms of Ron “Foolish-Faced” Weasley, but decided against it because, let’s be honest, she would run shit like Willow circa Season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lo, we aspire to parity here at these games. Luna Lovegood, whose last name pays homage to the broken English of foreigners attempting to say “has sex very well,” is another high-level threat in these games. While she is quirky to the point of Zooey Deschanel, don’t let her eccentricities distract you from her power. She is a bona fide witch. Sure she’s weird and her dad is something of a traitor, but she outclasses Draco in nearly every category, making her, at least to date, the most accomplished magic-wielder in the games. That’s nothing to scoff at.
X-factor: Beyond her spells, Luna has the good fortune of being one of those characters you just don’t kill. I mean, she is too spacey and unthreatening to die so brutally in gladiatorial combat. It would take a special kind of monster to slay someone like Luna. Felling her is like felling a unicorn–only assholes do it. There are, however, a few assholes in these games (see: above), so nothing except one who looks directly at the basilisk is set in *stone.
Check back for Part V and more of the contenders…
*Okay, so they are technically petrified. But the joke almost worked swimmingly!