Tag Archives: Pop Culture

Pop-Culture Hunger Games: Part IV


Note: If you missed Part I, Part II, or Part III click on the links!

The Contestants cont.

draco (2)

Rank: 7

Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter:  Draco, the platinum-locked douchebag from Hogwarts, joins the game as another tribute-everyone-wants-to-see-die, though, unlike the clear frontrunner in that department–Joffrey Baratheon–Draco might actually stick around for a while.  See, Draco and Joffrey share some similarities, including, but not limited to:  affluence; awesome uncles in Sirius (yes, he was Draco’s distant uncle) and Jaime (yes, he is also Joffrey’s father); more than a suggestion of incest in both their family trees (per Draco’s pure-bloodedness and Joffrey’s, well, clearly incestuous family); a penchant for getting punched and, generally, beat the shit out of by females (Arya and Hermione come to mind); an affinity for being flanked by flunkies (Crabbe & Goyle and the Hound/King’s Guard); and, of course, (spoiler alert) the blood of fan-favorites Dumbledore and Eddard Stark on their hands.  However, in spite of all his similarities to Joffrey, Draco has one thing Joffrey does not: real power in the form of magic.  Sure, he may be a lackluster wizard by Hermione Granger standards, but, as long as he can pronounce Avada Kedavra, he should do okay in these games.

X-factor:  While Draco does have some witchery on his side, he also has an unfortunate resemblance to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Spike.  There are two possible outcomes of his doppelgänger status, and each one of them is unsavory.  First, if we snatched the season 1-4 variety of Buffy for these games, then the slayer will stake our snakey “Spike.”  Probably with his own wand, no less.  And she will do it without giving it a thought until, of course, he doesn’t poof into ash.  However, if we recruited a later-season, seasoned Buffy, then she will likely jump his bones.  This may seem like a happy accident at first, but as soon as Draco, in the throes of foreplay, whispers something stupid like, “you must speak parseltongue, because you’re talking to my snake,” gesturing, of course, to his wee sorcerer and its stones, Buffy will smite him immediately.  Really, it’s the only fitting ending to someone who names their yet-to-be-born son Scorpius…

Luna-Lovegood-Wallpaper-luna-lovegood-25518114-1024-768 (2)

Rank: 9

Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter:  The games toyed with the idea of wresting the aforementioned Hermione Granger from the arms of Ron “Foolish-Faced” Weasley, but decided against it because, let’s be honest, she would run shit like Willow circa Season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Lo, we aspire to parity here at these games.  Luna Lovegood, whose last name pays homage to the broken English of foreigners attempting to say “has sex very well,” is another high-level threat in these games.  While she is quirky to the point of Zooey Deschanel, don’t let her eccentricities distract you from her power.  She is a bona fide witch.  Sure she’s weird and her dad is something of a traitor, but she outclasses Draco in nearly every category, making her, at least to date, the most accomplished magic-wielder in the games.  That’s nothing to scoff at.

X-factor:  Beyond her spells, Luna has the good fortune of being one of those characters you just don’t kill.  I mean, she is too spacey and unthreatening to die so brutally in gladiatorial combat.  It would take a special kind of monster to slay someone like Luna.  Felling her is like felling a unicorn–only assholes do it.  There are, however, a few assholes in these games (see: above), so nothing except one who looks directly at the basilisk is set in *stone.

Check back for Part V and more of the contenders…

*Okay, so they are technically petrified.  But the joke almost worked swimmingly!

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Pop-Culture Hunger Games: Part II


Note: If you missed Pop-Culture Hunger Games: Part I click here.

The Contestants cont.

Wesley

Rank: 8

Wesley Wyndham-Price, Buffyverse:  Wesley is something of a renaissance man, and his frequent patronage of the job carousel has landed him gigs as a Watcher, a rouge demon-hunter, an Angel Investigations associate, a Wolfram & Hart suit-and-tie, and, finally, a martyr.  Also, and lest we forget, he had a brief stint as a baby kidnapper.

Interestingly, his bout as a baby-napper may pay dividends in the games.  That is, if he ever finds himself cornered by, or otherwise aware of, two of our upcoming tributes, Chuckie Finster and Angelica Pickles from Rugrats .  According to our pregame poll, 78% of our viewers believe he’ll kidnap the hell out of those babies, and, of that 78%, half suspect he’ll up the ante to infanticide.

Aside from his bout as a baby-snatcher, Wesley has jack-of-all-traded every corner of the job market, accruing a set of particular skills not unlike Liam Neeson’s character in Taken, Brian Mills.  However, unlike Mr. Mills, Wesley would certainly be one of the kidnappers–emphasis, of course, on “kid,” and “kid,” of course, emphasizing the toddler side of the spectrum.  Seriously, though , Wesley could be a contender.  He is familiar with many manners of fighting.  He is extremely intelligent.  And he is English.

X-factor:  There is a slight possibility Wesley doesn’t make it through the feast.  If he is too busy feasting his eyes on those delectable Rugrats, one of his competitors could easily take him out.

Buffy

Rank: 12

Buffy Summers, Buffyverse:  Ah, Buffy, the once-in-a-generation slayer who happened to be one of three slayers in a six-year span, and then one of thousands of slayers in the year after that.  So much for once-in-a-generation, huh?  What can we say about Buffy?  For starts, she’s kind of annoying, though her annoyingness is overshadowed quite completely by her quasi-fake sister’s, Dawn’s. In addition, Buffy is an expert camper, honing her skills with seven-years of  this-isn’t-the-time-to-use-that one-liners and other campy antics, as well as helping to erect quite a few tents in her day–Angel/Angelus’s, Riley Finn’s, Spike/William the Bloody/The Doctor’s, Ben Wilkinson/Glory’s, and countless fanboys’ (1997-present) to name just a few.  Here is a comprehensive list.

Indeed, Buffy is something of an undead heart-breaker.  And, it should be noted that, yes, that statement has at least three meanings, all of which are valid.  One, she figuratively breaks the hearts of the undead (Angel & Spike).  Two, she literally breaks the hearts of the undead (uh, by forcing a wooden rod through them).  And three, she is, herself, undead (having died twice) and she figuratively and literally still breaks hearts.  So, yeah.

Moreover, and this is quite important, Buffy is superhuman:  super strength, super speed, super fighting skills, super-duper in bed (we covered this earlier).  Really, there’s a good chance Buffy just dominates the games by coupling her coupling skills with her fighting skills.  However, if all the competitors gang up on her, Buffy could get taken down early.  Even so, it’s unlikely that an immediate and impromptu alliance would form, so Buffy is definitely an early frontrunner.

X-factor:  The thing about Buffy is this:  She is familiar with fighting–slaying, as it were–vampires, who, despite all logic, almost never resort to firearms.  Maybe it’s a gentleman’s curse, porphyric hemophilia.  Regardless, Buffy is just overly-confident enough to not realize that her competitors in these games are not going to honor that gentleman’s rule.  Buffy might bite a bullet if she’s not careful.

Chuckie

Rank: <1

Chuckie Finster, Rugrats:  While Chuckie is not the screwdriver-wielding swordsman Tommy Pickles would have been, he is…well, actually there isn’t really much going in Chuckie Finster’s favor.  He’s a toddler, a coward, and, most unfortunately, a ginger.  We at the games are not gingeracist (we have two loveable gingers in our own family), but we do have on good authority that some of our contestants loath the ginger scourge a.k.a. the daywalkers (we’re looking at you, Buffy).

In addition to rightfully fearing the sunlight, Chuckie fears just about everything else there is:  clowns, adventures, car washes, Santa Claus, Reptar on Ice, wooly bears, pickles, and Pickles (particularly Angelica).  Basically, Chuckie has absolutely nothing going for him.  He’ll run, but little legs can only scurry so fast.  Plus, we have on good authority that Chuckie has a penchant for leaving his shoes untied.  If he doesn’t trip one of the Admiral’s it’s-a-trap traps, he’ll likely trip into tripping one.  Perhaps it’s for the best that Chuckie Finster will never be All Grown Up!

X-factor:  Even if the other contestants don’t get him, the sun will scorch him into a gingerbread boy.  There is no upside to this contestant.  May god have mercy on his…wait, do gingers have souls?

MSDRUMO EC009

Rank: 1

Angelica Pickles, Rugrats:  If, as the saying goes, it is the thought that counts, Angelica Pickles is a frontrunner in these games.  Her thoughts are hateful and dangerous, to be sure.  Unfortunately for Angelica–and for axioms everywhere–real life doesn’t bend its knee to well-worn phrases.  Sure, on the inside Angelica is a diabolical monster prone to all sorts of savagery, but all that brutality is arrested within the stout appendages of a toddler.  If only her actions were as maniacal as her intentions…  In the end, she’s no more dangerous than Chuckie.  Not Finster, but the murderous doll whose only real strength is evil and the element of surprise.  Since the field knows she’s coming, she likely won’t catch anyone off guard.

Speaking of creepy dolls and horrible segues, we have some news about one Angelica Pickles.  It appears that her weapon of choice is her own creepy doll, Cynthia.  Cynthia is a nightmarish piece of plastic whose previous owners include Sid from Toy Story and future serial killers everywhere.  That’s solid company for evil-doers.

Essentially, Angelica is an example of a contestant that got called up to the big leagues too early.  In a few years, she could have been a Cersei Lannister, incestualizing all the Pickles’ pickles, raising the monstrous result therefrom, and generally being loved to be hated.  Lo, Angelica is surely destined for the same fate as Chuckie Finster.

X-factor:  While there is absolutely no way Angelica wins the games, there is a slight chance she could finish the games with a kill count of 1.  After all, Angelica’s weapon of choice is a lethal choking hazard to those not yet 5 and up, so watch your back, Mr. Finster

Check back for Part III and the rest of the contenders…

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